Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
