I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
