how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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