he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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