My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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