There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
