maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
