I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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