I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
