we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
