oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
