I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
