I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
