You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
