my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
