I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
