Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
