My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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