She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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