seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
