He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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