FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
