You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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