tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
