i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
