It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
