someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
high people should be assigned attendants
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
