my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
