Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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