i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
