I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
