the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
