my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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