my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
