if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just gift wrapped bread.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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