with your own penis?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
