Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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