I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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