apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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