Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
