Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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