Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
