just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
