THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
