Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
