Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
