I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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