I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
