Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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