Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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